Subs Are Observed, Dom/mes Are Desired

In common culture, Dominance and submission are often reduced to a single trope: Dom/mes command and the sub obeys. Power looks aggressively one-sided. But beneath that surface, D/s relationships are not formed by passivity or chance. They are built through intentional choice on both the part of the Dominant and of the submissive. While subs are observed by the Dom/me, who takes every action and indecision into account, it is the Dom/mes who are desired by the subs. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the sub to initiate the path that brings the D/s dynamic into being.     

I’m going to discuss possible pathways, but first, let’s define intention, observation, desire, and the myth of passivity.

Intentionality

Submissives are frequently portrayed as passive – quiet, waiting, serving, humiliated, etc. But this portrayal only describes the sub’s actions once a dynamic is formed. It rarely offers insight into how the dynamic came to be. A submissive cannot drift into being chosen. They must be intentional before they are ever claimed. Intentional about pursuing the Dominant they desire. Intentional about demonstrating readiness, reliability, and depth. Intentional about showing, not begging for- what they bring to a dynamic and, perhaps most importantly, intentional about their commitment.

Worthiness in submission is not loud, whiny, or ego-driven. It is visible. It is consistent. It shows up in follow-through, self-control, and discipline. It shows in the ability to receive correction without collapsing. A Dominant observes all of this. 

Observations

Observation is a form of discernment: Is a submissive teachable? Are they consistent? Are they ego-driven? Are they honest/trustworthy? Do they understand accountability? Do they desire beyond fantasy? A Dom/me observes long before they engage. They notice how a submissive carries themselves, how they communicate, and how they handle boundaries. Personally, I notice how self-aware a submissive is, because self-awareness is a fundamental quality that My submissives are expected to continuously develop. These observations can take weeks, months, or even years. Are they patient?

Observation is the Dom/me’s credentialing. Intention is the sub’s application. Only when these two forces meet does a D/s dynamic begin to form.

Desire

Desire in D/s is not uncontrollable or accidental – it is directional. While Dominants attract attention simply by existing in their role, a dynamic does not form until a submissive chooses to pursue an alignment with said Dominant.

This pursuit must be direct. Not aggressive or forceful, direct. I’ll explain what this pursuit looks like later in the article, but what matters most is that the sub is not waiting to act. Therefore, submission in this sense is not passive. It is the intentional offering of oneself to a power dynamic.  

The Myth of the Passive Sub

One of the most persistent myths in D/s lore is that subs are passive recipients of dominance. For submissives who are thoughtful and perceptive, the opposite is often true. A submissive who does not pursue intentionally risks ending up in dynamics that are misaligned, dangerously parasitic, or otherwise unsafe. Intentional submission requires clarity: knowing what kind of control is desired, what limits exist, and what kind of Dominant can offer a trustworthy dynamic. This type of clarity is an active psychological stance, not a passive one. 

Actions to Take

--NOTE: The following information is applicable solely within the context of becoming a Dom/me’s long-term, personal submissive --

Now on to, “What does this action look like?” If a submissive is truly doing their homework, they already know this answer because they have been studying the Dominant they are hoping will notice them. But first, you must ask yourself the most important question: “Is the Dominant i would like to pursue in a place {emotionally, mentally, logistically, etc.}  where i can offer my services or provide compensation for Their time?” Do they have time in their lives to take on a new long-term, personal submissive? If the answer is yes, you can then ask yourself how you will accomplish providing support in a safe, respectful, and non-sketchy way that gets you noticed. If the answer is no, that is a full stop. If you are unsure, you can ask the Dominant whether you may pay for Their time or offer a service to find out.

This is the time when you must become the “doer.” Clean Their house, wash Their car, purchase Their flights, book Their appointments, etc. Keep in mind training you on how to do certain things to Their specificity, is time spent. Time that should be compensated in some way. 

Subs are the objects of observation because they must be trained. No Dominant I know is going to take the time training someone with an ego beyond management. Keep in mind, an ego can manifest in several ways. It can be whiny. It can be parasitic. It can be self-absorbed. It can be lazy. It can be self-gratifying, and the one I consider the most problematic, an ego that is self-serving.

Dominants are desired because they embody leadership qualities, but the formation of a D/s relationship hinges on the submissive’s willingness to take the first step. To abandon the myth of passivity and engage in intentional pursuit. Show initiative. Submission is a choice to be intentional. And in that choice, the true principles behind power exchange are revealed – not a dynamic involuntarily imposed, but a desire consciously gained.